Worth-less

I’m told everybody has a price.  People can be bought, regardless of how strong their will is.  If you offer the right dollar amount you can probably just about talk anybody out of anything.  This seems to be true in many situations, but I tend to believe there is a cut off point.  There is a time and place when someone refuses to sell regardless of price.  When this happens, the item in question, at least in my mind, is considered priceless.

At the same time, if no one is willing to buy something, we say it is worthless.  I cannot hide my lack of a higher education, so I will just explain it how I see it.  The whole point isn’t that an item has no worth at all, but just that it is worth less than other desired items, therefore it is difficult or impossible to sell.

I realized recently that people are the same way.  I have found it extremely difficult to sell myself to some people.  It is not that people don’t like me or that I have no worth, but I guess it is that more worth can be found in other desirable people.

I look at my life and I look at the wrong paths I have taken and I see why my worth has dropped.  While the price has remained the same (I’m cheap. Not very difficult to please), my worth has fallen.  Whether it be in employment, family, love life or friendships, I have lost some footing.  I am not anywhere near where I need to be.

It doesn’t really matter that I work harder than most people I know just to keep my employers and the community around me happy.  It doesn’t matter that I fight for my children and strive to give them everything.  It doesn’t matter that I would sell out 100-percent of who I am to make a life with someone and fight for that love everyday.  It never has been about the price I pay.  It is about my worth.

I don’t have a degree on my wall, a nice family for my children or money to shower a partner with worldly goods.  It is my lack in these areas that will always make me worthless.  I don’t know, I mean, maybe one day I will find a way to get a good job and make some money.  I might buy a big house on a hill and drive a fancy car, but right now, I don’t carry that kind of worth.

I was in Athens one night, not too long ago, and I just sat and watched the college kids as they went back and forth on the streets.  I watched them walk all over each other, drooling on themselves, making a complete idiot out of themselves.  I just sat and watched.  While I sat there I realized that I probably work harder in one day than many of these kids will work in their entire lives.  They have no idea what it is like to have responsibility.  But when it is time to find a new job it will be them and not me who is hired.  It doesn’t matter if I am smarter or work harder or am faithful and loyal to my work.  They will win the position over me because they have that piece of paper that says they give a crap about life.

My children will probably always look back on and despise their childhood because I couldn’t give them much.  Doesn’t matter that I was the one who fought to make sure they were cared for.  Doesn’t matter that I would die for them.  I can’t give them a nice home life.  They don’t have the traditional family.  I am a single dad who barely knows how to be a man, let alone a father, but I fight to be what is best for them.  I fail.

Finding a beautiful woman who cares for me and loves me is all I ever wanted out of this life.  I am pretty positive I will screw up a chance at that as well.  I don’t have money to appeal to the dreams of a woman.  I can’t look at a wife and say, “lets go on vacation next month.”  I simply don’t have the money.  Nobody wants to be with a man who can’t provide a great life for them, regardless of his charm or appeal.

I am a worthless man trying to hold on to a priceless life.  I love my job, I love my kids and I love my girlfriend.  I love whatever friend I have at whatever point I am lucky enough to have one.  While I fight harder than anyone to preserve what I have, it won’t be mine forever.  I will lose a lot of this simply because im worth less.

I want to be priceless.  I want people around me to say, “there is no way I could ever lose the value he brings.”  I fight for that.  I fight for it everyday.  Still, I possess no value.  I am worthless.

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